There are times in life where revelations seem to creep up on us and in those revelations we find clarity. Clarity about the people around us, the circumstances that surround us, and the emotions that penetrate us. These past few weeks God has been granting me revelations and with each reveation given, a chain was broken. Just like we all have revelations so too do we all have chains and shackles that bind us and keep us from being all that God has called us to be, from reaching our full potential. Many of these shackles are placed on us by none other than our own worst enemy: ourselves. We put shackles of self-esteem and looks on ourselves quite often resulting in the abuse of our body through eating disorders, extensive physical exercise, and the pshycilogical issues of never feeling good enough. We place the shackels of past regrets on ourselves never fully allowing ourselves to move on from the mistakes that haunt us and seem to infiltrate every aspect of our lives, even years after the initial incident occured. There the shackles of expectations; expectations of what we should do or who we should be. These particular shackles can be placed on us by ourselves or those around but even when it is other peoples expectations that shackle us, we were still the ones who originally allowed them to be placed there.
This past month and a half God has been breaking shackle after shackle that I either placed myself or allowed to be placed upon my life. If you have been keeping up with my blogs you will know that the first shackle He broke was the one that skewed my view of Him. I wrote in that blog that when that shackle was broken it was only one of many and it was the beginning of a process that would be painful and emotionally draining and I can now say that statement was 100% correct. It has seemed that God broke a new chain every week but all of those breaks seemed to bring up past hurts and wounds. It would be like a doctor going and cutting open an old scar; it bleeds and it brings about a pain that you thought you were done with and casues you to question the purpose of re-opening the scar in the first place.
The shackles that have caused the most pain were the ones of self-esteem and the need to be liked by those around me. looking back over my life I can see the instances where I would try to do everything I could to be liked and in the end would still feel alone and deserted. I felt rejected, like I wasnt good enough and was without value. I couldn't understand why I was the way I was and why, no matter how much I gave, or how much I tried, I was still the oddball and the one nobody liked. I felt completly alone and there were times I would cry out to God for him to come and heal my heart and take the pain of rejection and more often than not the relief wouldn't come and I couldn't understand why. Maybe it was because I wasnt looking for him but rather was looking for what He could do. I honeslty don't know the reason but I can say that He had a plan and a reason for it and I am learning to trust that and rely on that truth.
Two weeks ago I was sitting down on a couch and a song called Freedom by Run Kid Run came on my playlist and as it started playing I broke down....again (I have cried more this past month than in the last four years combined) It talks about God coming and breaking the chains and even after He does, we still hold on to the chains because it is comfortable and what we are use to. I realized that He has had His hand stretched out the entire time, just waiting for me to let go of the chains He has already dis-engaged, and to grab on to Him instead. I went outside and sat on the ground and as I was sitting there praying something happened. I saw myself kneeling in the middle of a desert. As I look around all I can see is sand, desolate, lifeless sand. I look down and see the shackles around my wrists and the chain links coming off of them dissappearing into the sand upon which i kneel. I tug and pull but no matter how hard I struggle I cant seem to break free and with a last ditch effort of frustration and pain, I throw my head up to the sky and find myself screaming, not an angry scream but a scream and cry of desperation. my arms are outstreached and tears begin to roll down my
cheeks. I hang my head down and accept my fate. It seems that I will never be able to break free from the chains that have held me in this dry wasteland of a soul for so long. As I sit there in my despair the clouds open up and an outstretched hand appears. I look at it for just a second and with my head held low and with exahustion and defeat in the motion, I use the last reserve of energy left to place my hand in His. The chains fall off and I collapse into his arms and like a child He carries me. My arms wrap around his neck and my head rests on his chests and I tell Him I am sorry for holding on the the chains rather than holding on to Him. I no longer want to hold on to whats comfortable, what I am use to, but instead I tell Him I want to remain holding on to Him. After a while He comes to a place and slowly sets me down. Strength renews and with weak knees and a near buckle attempt, I place my feet on the ground and stand. I again embrace Him, wrapping my arms around His neck as He wraps His around my waist. He whispers in my ear a simple phrase but one that will forever impact me "never let go" and with that the vision ends. Simple words with an eternal impact. Its been two weeks since the vision and since then I have had a contentness that I lacked before, a joy that was absent prior, and a freedom that I have longed for for years. He has broken the shackles and has taught me to hold on to him ratehr than the chains that He has already broken.
Through Him we are Loved,Through Him the chains are loosed, Through Him we are FREE
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