A Week of Crazy

How do I even begin to put into words the craziness that has been my past week. Crazy seems to fit perfectly, although chaotic would be a close second. So much has happened in the past seven days and God has revealed just how much and how radical the change within me has been. It’s been exciting and frightening, loud and explosive, but mostly God ordained and God anointed. So lets do this in an orderly fashion and go a day by day synopsis and I am giving you a fair warning…This blog will not be short but trust me you will want to stay with it ;)

 

Sunday:

On Sunday we had the opportunity and the pleasure of hosting a Visiting Orphans Medical team from California. They came in and we were able to partake in Sunday service with them inside our home and the girls danced and lead worship while the pastor of the California church danced through worship and even got his team involved and got them dancing. It really was a sight to see and was an incredible time of worship. After the worship Peter (who was the translator and the one leading the service) asked for a time of testimony in which I gave the testimony of my garden experience. Now here is the cool thing; the pastor from Cali was to be the speaker and preacher and the message that he spoke? Why it was the story of Mary Magdalene meeting the resurrected Jesus in the garden outside the tomb!!! I give my testimony about my garden experience and the speaker speaks almost the exact same experience that I had. I had not seen the correlation until he brought it out but sat there and thought “wow…it truly is amazing how God works things out”.  

Once the service was over we were able to eat with the team and talk with them before they went on their way. That night two of my new favorite people came back to the house to stay with us for the week. Ben and Cassie are a married couple who live in Nashville singing and playing guitar for a living. They sponsor a kid at a school here in Rwanda and were here to see her and pour into her but during the week they were to stay with us and thank God they did because it would not have been such an awesome week had they not. Now on to Monday

Monday:

Honestly Monday was pretty uneventful other than getting a call from Amanda saying that she was hearing mortar blasts close to her place. This was intriguing so I pull up the news and sure enough the DRC army and the M23 rebels had engaged in fighting along the Rwandan border close to where Amanda was. It was at this point that I decided I needed a plan of escape in case it got bad (overdramatic? More like planned and ready. Hope for the best but expect the worse) I was able to go into the community and play with kids and meet some of the people that I live amongst. One guy who sculpts even used my face to help him sculpt and carve a good size figure. So my face has now been immortalized in a sculpting which is pretty sweet. That evening we all went to the beach at Serena resorts on lake Kivu and shared a meal there. We played volleyball with the locals (in which I played like crud but hey This Is Africa [T.I.A.] so no one really cared lol). It really was a great night and I had such a blast hanging with new friends and just being able to relax.

Tuesday:

Tuesday was also pretty uneventful although it was Tuesday that I started to get sick and thought I might have a parasite. My gut was bubbly (and not the kind of bubbly that makes me wiggle my toes or crinkle my toes) and sharp pain started to hit pretty hard. That night Ben, Cassie, Katie, Moses, and I all went out to eat again at a beautiful spot right on the lake and again shared laughs and made memories that will last a lifetime.

Wednesday:

So Wednesday was the eventful day and was the start of something new and amazing. To start the day I decided to go to Noel Orphanage down the street with Ben and Cassie and once there we met two other Americans who brought the Orphanage brand new basketballs and footballs so of course we had to use those balls to play a game of 5-on-5 basketball. Ben and I were on a team as well as one of the other Americans and two of the Noel guys. The other team was basically all Noel guys and you know what? We won but it was during this game that my gut started acting up again and decided to throw sever pain my way and my shin decided to join in and give me pain as well. But we won so totally worth it.

We went back to the house for lunch and once lunch was done we walked back to Noel and started discussing with some of the guys there. We probably had a group of 10 guys between 17-25 and while it started out as just asking questions it turned into a discussion about the politics of Rwanda and how the power to make their country better rested with them. I was able to encourage them and push them into a mindset that said they could accomplish anything and not to let the words of those around them stop them from achieving their dreams or goals. We talked about hard work, even in the small things, and not giving up even when the odds seemed stacked against them. It really was a beautiful thing and I was so thankful to be able to be used in that way. I learned that one of the guys named Oliver had actually taught himself English by listening to BBC radio and then looking up the words in the dictionary….he is so flipping intelligent it is incredible. I was also able to bring one of the guys over to my house for a cold drink and some time of relaxation which he sorely needed.

During the talk with the guys we started hearing loud booms in the distance and Cassie, who was in Rwanda when fighting broke out last November looked at me and said that’s a bomb. After that we were consistently hearing them go off every 2-3 minutes in rounds of three or four. We even heard the THUD-THUD-THUD of the helicopter gunships firing their cannons into the rebel positions. It really was a surreal experience. This carried on for nearly four hours and when we went into town to eat that night the entire city was covered in a haze and smelt of gunpowder. Like when you shoot fireworks during the fourth of July and that white haze fills the area and it smells like fireworks…it was like that except on a much larger scale.

 

Thursday

Thursday was a decent day. The bombs seemed to stop falling which was nice and I was able to go to Noel in the afternoon and play ball with the guys but it was during one of those games I am pretty sure I either pulled a muscle or hyper extended something within my right bicep which was to cause me a lot of pain. This night we did NOT go out to eat but stayed in and ate at the house. That night Ben, Cassie, Amanda, and I all watched The Office which was great and made me laugh so flipping much

 

Friday

Friday I went to noel again and tried playing ball but that didn’t last long with both my shin and arm shooting pain up my entire right side. I decided to lay down until after lunch. Once lunch was done I grabbed five of the guys from Wednesday’s group and we met at my house. I told them that like Christ had the 12 I have the five; five guys to mentor, teach, learn from, and live life together. We will be meeting every Friday and discussing events in our world, how to better the world around us, and dive into the Word for bible studies. I am so excited to see where God is going to take this. These five are highly intelligent with one of them aspiring to be a doctor who can find the cure for HIV/Aids. I truly believe, if given a chance and the proper schooling, he will be able to accomplish this dream.

That Night Ben, Cassie, Amanda, and I all went up to Imbabazi and played clue and other games and just hung out. It was such a great night and was sooooo much fun. I haven’t laughed like that in a while. It was needed and was good.

Saturday

This morning while waiting to get a moto, Ben and Cassie pulled out the guitar (in the middle of the village road) and started playing and singing worship songs. Needless to say the locals crowded around and were in awe and some even started singing with us. It was such an awesome moment and it was definitely God inspired and God breathed.

It really has been an incredible week and despite the illness, pains, and war going on around me I never once got down, sad, or even upset. The dogs even ate a pair of my shoes and I didn't get mad....trust me that's truly God at work. He is starting to change the way I view things and this week was truly a huge sign of the work He is doing in me. I was able to carry on despite the things and turmoil around me and physically in me. I saw beauty in everything and was able to be free to be me and it was truly amazing. How I love the person He is making me out to be and the change that He is stirring within. So until next time, stay thirsty my friends….thirsty for the Spirit that is ;)

 

Finding The One

So I know this is the most random blog but if you know me then you know that random is what makes me, well, me J I have just been contemplating a lot and thinking through my past and what could be my future and in the process the issue of relationships has continually come up. I was in a coffee house kind of like Starbucks in Kigali on Sunday and as I sat there a song came over the speakers; a song that took me back to the summer I turned 16. It was that summer that I fell in love and in the same year my heart would be broken and the world around me would come crashing down around me. Since then I have dated numerous times, some only lasting a matter of weeks while few others lasted a significantly longer. Each relationship had ups and downs and each ultimately led to heart break. I look back and think about it all and realize that what I longed for in every instance was just to be loved and in every instance my expectations and standards were not met, not saying the girls didn’t try because they were awesome just saying that what I placed on them should never have been there in the first place.

           You see in each of us is a unique desire to be loved and to be able to fully trust someone with everything and when we place that expectation and desire on people, it will ultimately fail because it is only God that can meet that desire and truly exceed the expectations that we have. I see now that I never should have put those girls in those positions and should have never demanded and expected them to be God. Which leads me to the main point of this little blog: why then, if we truly have our expectations met in God, do we (or maybe just I) continue to long for a romantic relationship. Through this journey I have become closer to the One who can truly love me then I ever thought possible, and in the process my desire for romance has seemed to dwindle. I am finding what I always wanted from a girl in Christ and for me its awe-inspiring and eye opening. The Sunday at the coffee shop I sat there thinking all this and in that moment I told Christ that it no longer mattered. I have what I desired this entire time and in Him I find my identity and fulfillment and it’s by Him that I am made whole. We talk about a soul mate and the other half but for me, He is the other half. We say that they make us better but I say He makes me better, He pulls the best out of me and it’s because of Him that I even have the ability to love another person in the first place. I gave the last thing that I held onto up to Him and in doing so was overtaken with a peace that goes beyond the power and description of words. I had a smile plastered on my face for hours and for the first time in a long time, I was completely relaxed. I no longer need the relationship of another because I finally found the One who is the lover of my soul.

Relationship

As I write this I am sitting under an overhang on the porch listening to the rain fall. I look out and see it falling effortlessly down drenching the world around it in, causing the dry dirt and earth to become mud and clay. I sit here watching it fall and smelling the aroma of new rain, new life, to a land that is usually without it during the summer months. I feel the breeze as it sends the slight chill into my bones and can feel the moisture hang in the air as if surrounding me on all sides with its presence. I take in the array of sensations that seem to captivate my emotions and am taken back to yesterday where it was in a garden like I have never seen that I met Him. 

             For awhile now, I have had an outlook on life that probably hasn’t been the healthiest or the most beneficial in regards to my spiritual walk and in my physical and emotional state of being. I come from a household that was once run by dominance and by an alpha male personality (it has since changed and for more on that check out my first entry). Growing up in a household like that one gets a sense that to be in charge meant to have a warrior personality and an iron will that was strong and portrayed the alplha-male hardness. Authority ruled and the strong were the victors in this little game we call life. This is the view I had of God. This is the view I had of Christ. Through certain events in my life I had come to view him, not as a friend, but as a warrior king and dictator who we were to serve because He is God and we are not. This view affected not only my spiritual life but every facet and arena in which I found myself. Christ was not someone I could go to and just conversant with and even saying the name Jesus in a prayer was weird and foreign if not proceeded by “in the name of” Needless to say prayers were not talks but rather were me coming before a king and judge in a throne room, bowing on my knees and hoping to have my request met but not really expecting to. There was no relationship, just domination.

                My physical life was pretty much played out in this way as well. I have this notion that a minister is loving, yes, but also one who people look up to, who is strong and solid during hardship and who is a leader in the sense of a military leader, like that of a general, strong and fearless. This outlook placed within me a hardness and mentality that I was to remain always strong. But inside I knew my weakness, I saw my shortcomings, and I knew that I could not measure up to that model minister and leader, even on my best days. I tried to give myself the mindset of a soldier in battle, ready to fight and bust down doors for the kingdom, but with that came an anger and inner turmoil that I cannot put into words. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t, someone that was not who He intended me to be.  I was angry at myself because I did not measure up to the standards I, myself, had set. I felt like a failure and was incredibly critical of myself and those around me, leading inevitably to feelings of depression and fury. That is until this past weekend.

                I have been reading a book called the shack and in it a man who is caught up in deep sadness over his daughter’s murder is asked by God to go to the site where his loss took place. It was here that God met him and completely changed his world and concept of religion and what it means to be a follower of Christ.  There were certain parts in the book that brought tears to my eyes and as I read on, I found that my entire view of who the Trinity is had become highly skewed. This brings us to Monday. I went with Amanda to Imbagazi (I am certain I have spelled that wrong) and after a 25 minute drive up a dirt, pot-holed, road, we arrived. The place is beautiful and breathtaking. It sits at the top of a mountain 7500ft up and the scene is mesmerizing, none more so than the garden. It looked like something straight out of a movie and as I broke off from the group to explore deeper, I found myself departing from my shoes and letting the grass and dirt seep between my toes. There were magnificent colors, the likes I have never seen together. Blues, yellows, golds, reds, and greens that seemed to both clash and complement each other. I walked along until I came to a place where a memorial stood. A simple grave that held the founder of the orphanage and as I stood there, something in me broke. I sat down and as soon as my butt hit the ground it seemed like a torrent of tears burst forth and the pain of all my past failures came rushing up and out. I sat there weeping, and not just one of those little cries, but an ugly, agonizing cry that is accompanied by the moans and groans of a soul in despair and the shaking of a body that is trying to compose itself. I sat there telling God that I didn’t want to view him as I did, that I wanted to have relationship with him, not just enslavement. I wanted him to walk with me instead of over me, to see him as a friend and father, rather than a leader and dictator. As I sat there pouring my heart out my whole world got turned upside down. I saw Him, Jesus standing by the tree no more than 10 feet in front of me. He stood in the 3 foot gap that lay between the tree and the hedge, with his arm up on the branch and as I looked he came over and sat next to me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close. Not a word was spoken in those first few moments, the only sound being the sound of tears and my cries. I asked him why I hadn’t heard from Him in so long, why I was left to deal with all this pain and heartache by myself and why, when I was giving my life to serve him, did I still feel completely alone. His words were simple and yet soothing “I have been with you the entire time, you just haven’t been looking.” I was shocked and confused. I prayed and read my bible, so how is it that I hadn’t been looking? Turns out I was going through the religious routine and motions without ever really looking for Him. I would ask stuff in my prayers and praise him with words without ever really knowing the true nature of them. I would ask to hear him, not because I wanted communication, but because I wanted direction. I have realized that Jesus isn’t just a warrior or soldier, He is so much more; He is lover, brother, and friend. He doesn’t just want me to spend the devo time with Him but rather wants me to live life with Him, to experience it with him, and to know Him in an intimate and deep way. I finally felt loved and knew that to him I was not a failure or disappointment, I was a treasure.

                SO where does this leave me? I would say that its back to the drawing board for me. When it comes to this relationship thing, I am new. There are some habits that must be broken and some pains and heartaches that must be dealt with and the only way that will happen is to bring them to the surface. I know that the process will not be an easy one nor will it necessarily be pleasant, but it will be worth it. To truly know Him and to know that I am loved and to live freely in that is the greatest thing that I could ask for and it is the one thing I long for the most. It’s time to let go of legalism and religion and time for relationship.