Relationship

As I write this I am sitting under an overhang on the porch listening to the rain fall. I look out and see it falling effortlessly down drenching the world around it in, causing the dry dirt and earth to become mud and clay. I sit here watching it fall and smelling the aroma of new rain, new life, to a land that is usually without it during the summer months. I feel the breeze as it sends the slight chill into my bones and can feel the moisture hang in the air as if surrounding me on all sides with its presence. I take in the array of sensations that seem to captivate my emotions and am taken back to yesterday where it was in a garden like I have never seen that I met Him. 

             For awhile now, I have had an outlook on life that probably hasn’t been the healthiest or the most beneficial in regards to my spiritual walk and in my physical and emotional state of being. I come from a household that was once run by dominance and by an alpha male personality (it has since changed and for more on that check out my first entry). Growing up in a household like that one gets a sense that to be in charge meant to have a warrior personality and an iron will that was strong and portrayed the alplha-male hardness. Authority ruled and the strong were the victors in this little game we call life. This is the view I had of God. This is the view I had of Christ. Through certain events in my life I had come to view him, not as a friend, but as a warrior king and dictator who we were to serve because He is God and we are not. This view affected not only my spiritual life but every facet and arena in which I found myself. Christ was not someone I could go to and just conversant with and even saying the name Jesus in a prayer was weird and foreign if not proceeded by “in the name of” Needless to say prayers were not talks but rather were me coming before a king and judge in a throne room, bowing on my knees and hoping to have my request met but not really expecting to. There was no relationship, just domination.

                My physical life was pretty much played out in this way as well. I have this notion that a minister is loving, yes, but also one who people look up to, who is strong and solid during hardship and who is a leader in the sense of a military leader, like that of a general, strong and fearless. This outlook placed within me a hardness and mentality that I was to remain always strong. But inside I knew my weakness, I saw my shortcomings, and I knew that I could not measure up to that model minister and leader, even on my best days. I tried to give myself the mindset of a soldier in battle, ready to fight and bust down doors for the kingdom, but with that came an anger and inner turmoil that I cannot put into words. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t, someone that was not who He intended me to be.  I was angry at myself because I did not measure up to the standards I, myself, had set. I felt like a failure and was incredibly critical of myself and those around me, leading inevitably to feelings of depression and fury. That is until this past weekend.

                I have been reading a book called the shack and in it a man who is caught up in deep sadness over his daughter’s murder is asked by God to go to the site where his loss took place. It was here that God met him and completely changed his world and concept of religion and what it means to be a follower of Christ.  There were certain parts in the book that brought tears to my eyes and as I read on, I found that my entire view of who the Trinity is had become highly skewed. This brings us to Monday. I went with Amanda to Imbagazi (I am certain I have spelled that wrong) and after a 25 minute drive up a dirt, pot-holed, road, we arrived. The place is beautiful and breathtaking. It sits at the top of a mountain 7500ft up and the scene is mesmerizing, none more so than the garden. It looked like something straight out of a movie and as I broke off from the group to explore deeper, I found myself departing from my shoes and letting the grass and dirt seep between my toes. There were magnificent colors, the likes I have never seen together. Blues, yellows, golds, reds, and greens that seemed to both clash and complement each other. I walked along until I came to a place where a memorial stood. A simple grave that held the founder of the orphanage and as I stood there, something in me broke. I sat down and as soon as my butt hit the ground it seemed like a torrent of tears burst forth and the pain of all my past failures came rushing up and out. I sat there weeping, and not just one of those little cries, but an ugly, agonizing cry that is accompanied by the moans and groans of a soul in despair and the shaking of a body that is trying to compose itself. I sat there telling God that I didn’t want to view him as I did, that I wanted to have relationship with him, not just enslavement. I wanted him to walk with me instead of over me, to see him as a friend and father, rather than a leader and dictator. As I sat there pouring my heart out my whole world got turned upside down. I saw Him, Jesus standing by the tree no more than 10 feet in front of me. He stood in the 3 foot gap that lay between the tree and the hedge, with his arm up on the branch and as I looked he came over and sat next to me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close. Not a word was spoken in those first few moments, the only sound being the sound of tears and my cries. I asked him why I hadn’t heard from Him in so long, why I was left to deal with all this pain and heartache by myself and why, when I was giving my life to serve him, did I still feel completely alone. His words were simple and yet soothing “I have been with you the entire time, you just haven’t been looking.” I was shocked and confused. I prayed and read my bible, so how is it that I hadn’t been looking? Turns out I was going through the religious routine and motions without ever really looking for Him. I would ask stuff in my prayers and praise him with words without ever really knowing the true nature of them. I would ask to hear him, not because I wanted communication, but because I wanted direction. I have realized that Jesus isn’t just a warrior or soldier, He is so much more; He is lover, brother, and friend. He doesn’t just want me to spend the devo time with Him but rather wants me to live life with Him, to experience it with him, and to know Him in an intimate and deep way. I finally felt loved and knew that to him I was not a failure or disappointment, I was a treasure.

                SO where does this leave me? I would say that its back to the drawing board for me. When it comes to this relationship thing, I am new. There are some habits that must be broken and some pains and heartaches that must be dealt with and the only way that will happen is to bring them to the surface. I know that the process will not be an easy one nor will it necessarily be pleasant, but it will be worth it. To truly know Him and to know that I am loved and to live freely in that is the greatest thing that I could ask for and it is the one thing I long for the most. It’s time to let go of legalism and religion and time for relationship.