So I know this is the most random blog but if you know me
then you know that random is what makes me, well, me J I have just been
contemplating a lot and thinking through my past and what could be my future
and in the process the issue of relationships has continually come up. I was in
a coffee house kind of like Starbucks in Kigali on Sunday and as I sat there a
song came over the speakers; a song that took me back to the summer I turned
16. It was that summer that I fell in love and in the same year my heart would
be broken and the world around me would come crashing down around me. Since
then I have dated numerous times, some only lasting a matter of weeks while few
others lasted a significantly longer. Each relationship had ups and downs and
each ultimately led to heart break. I look back and think about it all and
realize that what I longed for in every instance was just to be loved and in
every instance my expectations and standards were not met, not saying the girls
didn’t try because they were awesome just saying that what I placed on them
should never have been there in the first place.
You see in each of us is a
unique desire to be loved and to be able to fully trust someone with everything
and when we place that expectation and desire on people, it will ultimately fail
because it is only God that can meet that desire and truly exceed the
expectations that we have. I see now that I never should have put those girls
in those positions and should have never demanded and expected them to be God.
Which leads me to the main point of this little blog: why then, if we truly
have our expectations met in God, do we (or maybe just I) continue to long for
a romantic relationship. Through this journey I have become closer to the One
who can truly love me then I ever thought possible, and in the process my
desire for romance has seemed to dwindle. I am finding what I always wanted
from a girl in Christ and for me its awe-inspiring and eye opening. The Sunday at
the coffee shop I sat there thinking all this and in that moment I told Christ
that it no longer mattered. I have what I desired this entire time and in Him I
find my identity and fulfillment and it’s by Him that I am made whole. We talk
about a soul mate and the other half but for me, He is the other half. We say
that they make us better but I say He makes me better, He pulls the best out of
me and it’s because of Him that I even have the ability to love another person
in the first place. I gave the last thing that I held onto up to Him and in
doing so was overtaken with a peace that goes beyond the power and description
of words. I had a smile plastered on my face for hours and for the first time
in a long time, I was completely relaxed. I no longer need the relationship of
another because I finally found the One who is the lover of my soul.
:)
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