I often find myself what will be my take-away from this
journey? After all that He has shown me, taught me, brought me through, what
will be the defining factor that will make the biggest impact on my life back
home? He has broken shackles of self-worth, pride, a desire to be accepted, and
past. He has taught me to praise him in the storm, taught me what the
wilderness is all about but those are not what will define me or my time here.
No, what will define me and what every lesson has been about is a dependence on
Him and His word and desiring all that He is.
When I
say dependence most conjure up an image of someone who is weak and needy and
while I am weak and do need Him, this is not the dependence that He has taught
me. The dependence I am referring to is not that of needing, but of wanting. I
am dependent and addicted to His presence and the love, peace, joy, and
strength that it brings. I am dependent on the Spirit’s moving in my life,
wrapping me in His arms, telling me He loves me, reminding me that He holds my
life in His nail scarred hands. He allows me to be dependent on Him, I get to
have Him available when I am in the best times of my life as well as in the
worst times. I have a desire for Him that was not there before, a hunger for
the Bread of Life and a Thirst for the Everlasting water that is Christ Jesus. I
don’t just need these things, I want them, desire them, crave them. I will say
though that this craving and desire was not one that came to me easily or
pain-free. It took everything I was and broke it. It took more pain and lonely
nights than I will ever care to recollect. It took weeping and screaming out in
pain and distress. I went through a fire, was thrown in the wilderness, tossed
on a stormy sea, and placed in a droughted desert. I have come out burned,
bruised, scarred, and broken. There were times I felt as if I was not going to
make it, times I wanted to quit, give up, pack up and go home, turning my back
on a calling that has been on my life since before time began, but it was in
those times I learned how dependent on Him I really am. At first I was hesitant
because I still held on to a superman mentality where I could do it and I didn’t
need His help. Slowly though He wore me down, allowing me to be hit by wave
after wave and struggle with the darkness that resides in the Wilderness, the darkness
that resided in my own soul. He watched and all along just stood and held out
His hand, waiting for me to take hold. Slowly I started to allow Him to pull me
along, carrying me, dragging me through the mud and the muck of my own filth
and pride. I would at times believe I was strong enough and would try standing
on my own and again proceed but the procession would not last long before I was
again struggling and again He was there with His arm out stretched. So again I
would place my hand in His and allow Him to help me, giving in to dependency on
Him. It was during these times of Him carrying me that He would speak to me and
I would listen to Him speak, getting a clearer understanding of who He was and
building a relationship with Him, and not just a relationship but a friendship.
Many times I would try to walk on my own but with each time and each carrying,
the time with Him grew longer for I would found myself wanting to be carried
longer. A time came where I found myself no longer being carried but rather
walking beside Him, step-by-step we walked, discussing life and the reality of
it. It is amazing how we were able to have a conversation amidst the turmoil
that surrounded us. At times I would look around and become cautious of the
storm but He would always bring me back to Him and eventually I found myself so
enchanted and so mesmerized by Him that before I knew it He paused, looked at
me and smiled. It was at this pause that I look around and find myself standing
on the water with Him. I look around and I see the mountains off in the
distance, with their green and emerald colors vibrantly bursting forth. I see a
rich blue sky clear of clouds or any signs of storms. Then I see Him, smiling,
a smile that penetrates me to the very deepest part of my being and causes an
emotion I can’t quite put my finger on. A mixture of relief, joy, and peace,
mixed with a few tears. Even when surrounded by all this beauty the one thing
that exceeds them all is the one I am standing across from. He looks back and I
follow His gaze into the distance and then and there see the storm clouds that
seem to rise into the sky like towers of depravity and desolation. The roll and flash with the thunder and
lightning and I see the swells that roar and crash underneath. I see the island
of treacherous jungle residing underneath it, being pounded by the wind and
rain. Without a word I know that what He just pulled me through, what I find
myself looking at was the turmoil, pain, and pride that has been locked up
inside my heart for such a long time. I understood that I had become so use to
the turmoil and pain that I had built myself an Island in the middle of it and
had never realized it. There were times in my past where He came and we started
to come out but I would grow fearful and the pain would become too much as I
looked at the waves surrounding me and I would frantically let go of his hand
and go sit back on my island in the little hut of protection that I built for
myself. It was only when I stopped looking at the waves and started looking at
Him that I was finally to be free of it all. How beautiful this place is, and I
know that there is yet more to come, more beauty on lands that I have yet to
explore. With Him the exploring is never over, the walking is never done. If I
allow Him, He will take me to new and beautiful places within His presence that
I never knew existed. The journeys may not always be fun or easy, and we may
have to go through more storms to get there and I know that He will pull me
through and carry me when I get too weak but through the storms and carryings I
get to be with Him and speak to Him and hear Him speak to me along the way. I
even find myself looking forward to the carrying because you can’t be closer to
someone than when they carry you and my desire is just to be close to Him J
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