Trust

       Trust. A single word that is packed with meaning and, for some, heaviness. Some of us see trust as a bad thing due to our trust being smashed in the past. Some see it as a word and only a word, with very little regard to what it really implies or means. For others it is not a shackle or something to be flippantly used but, when given its proper respect and respect what it stands for then trust can be a freeing, liberating part of life, especially when it involves trusting in The One who is deserving and worthy of our trust.
 
      There are many times in life where we find ourselves in situations we don't fully understand. We look around and using our worldly eyes and senses we come to the conclusion that the mess around us cannot be God because it doesn't make any sense. We may have felt led by God to do something or go somewhere but it doesn't seem to be happening the way we think it should or the way we would like for it to. We start asking questions like "I thought you said I was to do this so where are you?" or we start to doubt that we ever heard from God in the first place and question whether or not we even know the voice of God at all. Others may be in a situation where God has clearly laid out a path for you to follow, a journey for you to take and while you see the path and feel the conviction of the calling, the people around you can't. The people you have trusted, who you look up to, and whose judgment you trust are looking at your situation and are telling you something different then what God is telling you. They may even say that they have heard from God as well, while others question whether you heard from God. You might hear things like "God not only speaks to us through scripture but also through the people in authority over us" and all the while you sit there, asking yourself and asking Him, "what is it that I am truly suppose to do?" It can feel as if we are a ship sailing the waters we call life, all the while being pounded and pushed about by the waves and storms. The waves of doubt and questioning, the storms of words that come from the lips of those around you, and through it all we try to navigate these treacherous waters as best we can.
    
       It is this very aspect of trust that God has been placing within me and its a lesson that, looking back over these past few months, He has been teaching me from the very beginning of this process. I first felt the call to come to Africa for the summer in May of 2012 during a missions trip to Ethiopia. I never actually heard God's voice saying "HEY GO TO AFRICA" but rather I just had a deep conviction and leading that I was going to be back. Its hard to explain but if I was to try all I could say is that is was something that I knew that I knew. No one could tell me otherwise, I just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be going back to Africa the next summer and because of that conviction I started planning. I called up a guy that was planning on going to Ethiopia and living there during the summer of 2013 and started talking to him. We got the basic stuff out of the way but in October I received my first of many bombshells. The guy decided to go to Nicaragua instead of Ethiopia so that plan was shot. Even then though I knew I would be spending my summer in Africa just didn't know how. So March comes along and I go to Uganda on a missions trip and in Uganda I started talking to the pastor of the ministry we were aiding about joining him during the summer. I had a friend already getting ready to join him and I thought "this is it, this is where I am suppose to be." So all during the next month I plan and discuss with him about coming to Uganda but at the end of the month I received bombshell number two. They had decided to wait until January 2014 to take any interns. So that idea was thrown out the window. So here I am, its the beginning of April and I still don't know where I will be going or where I will be staying  but still there remained a firm standing that I was going. It wasn't until the middle of May, a month before the planned date to leave, that I finally got confirmation to go to Rwanda. Now this sounds all great but I was sitting there with no funds raised and planning to leave in four weeks. No idea how all the money was going to come, nor if I would even get it all. Money started coming in slowly and little by little it added up until a literally three days before I was to leave I had it all. Talk about cutting it close.
   
    Another aspect of trust that has started to creep into my heart is that everything that happens around us, everything that we see as possibly random or insignificant, whether it be a small problem or a major event, it all happens for a reason. God is orchestrating everything in our lives and putting events in motion that will ultimately glorify Him and we must trust this as well. This past April I started the process of trying to register for classes at evangel for what was suppose to be my last semester in school. For some unknown reason, I couldn't seem to get registered, and when I tried to contact my advisers (CBC or Evangel) I couldn't get in contact with them. I tried email and phone and finally in June two weeks before I was set to leave for Rwanda, I drove up to Evangel to sort it out. It just so happened that the one day I actually decide to go to the school is the one day that my advisor was not in the office. I went out to my car and sat down utterly confused about what to do and then it hit me; I hadn't been able to register because I wasn't suppose to attend Evangel in the fall. I was to stay in Rwanda longer then previously thought (I was originally going to be home on August 10). Even then God was working out the details and directing the course of events towards an outcome that He had already pre-planned and pre-ordained. Events like this have seemed to be the norm when it comes to this whole experience. I was even given the chance to go on a safari early this month but didn't have the month to go until three days before and by that time the safari was already booked. I asked God why He couldn't have given me the money a few days prior but I chose to trust Him and His judgment. It was during that safari that the son of my guard died and I just happened to be here to comfort and pray with him, as well as attend the funeral. Had I been on the safari I never would not have been able to help and consul my friend. Everything happens for a reason and we must trust that.

      So with all this being said we come to the point where we must ask ourselves, "why is it, despite all the times God has come through, do we still have problems trusting Him and question Him when we can't see His moving, or, even if we can, we can't seem to understand where He is leading?" I think the answer to that, at least in my case, is that we have a mindset that says we must be in control. We have our dreams and ideas about what our life should look like and how that dream or idea should take place. We place this facade of control over our lives and then get upset when God directs us in another direction. We complain because God is not working the way we think He should when in reality we should take a step back and try to find the ways that His plan is better and find the joy in that. Even when God gives us a vision or a calling, even then we still have the habit of trying to figure out how that will come to be and to this I must ask, Who gave you the vision? You or God? Whose vision is it? Yours or Gods? So if its Gods vision and God's desire for you, then wouldn't the smart thing be to let Him lead you to it? When we finally let go of our constant desire for control and start enjoying the journey for the journey rather than worrying about the end result, we start seeing the way God is moving. We see His direction and His leading and we see how He truly is "working out EVERYTHING for the good of those who love Him". When we truly trust Him to get us where we need to be and when we realize that we have absolutely no control over the circumstances and stop worrying about them, that's when trust becomes freeing. I trust Him to work it all out and its because of that I am able to sit back and just take joy in the here and now. I don't need to worry about tomorrow, nor do I need to worry about yesterday because it's out of my hands and it's in His. Why worry about something I have no control over?

    Now I must ask, How much do you trust Him? Do you trust Him with your future? How about your past? Your dreams, your passions, your deepest desires that seem to burn in the deepest part of your heart? What about the vision He has given you or the calling He gave you? Can you trust Him in the good times, when everything seems to be coming together and all the pieces are fitting perfectly to make a complete picture? Can you trust Him in the bad times, when it seems like we are being tossed about like a ship in the midst of a hurricane? Let me encourage you and remind you that no matter what season you find yourself in, whether good or bad, take time to step back and examine how God is bringing it all together for His glory and for your benefit. Learn to let go of the facade we call control and instead lean on Him and trust that He is truly working everything out for your good. Like a ship on the sea, allow Him to be the wind in your sails, guiding you and sending you where He will.
   

   

Christianity: A Spectator Sport?

   Today I found myself walking down an old dirt road through the heart of the Rwandan city of Gesinyi seldom used by tourists or foreigners and while walking I heard a sound that has become all too familiar, the laughter of children at play. School had just let out and off to the right of the road stood an old rock wall about four feet high and beyond that stood the public school where, in the yard, around 50 kids kicked a soccer ball squealing in delight each time it arrived at someone new. As I stood there watching the event unfold I decided to backtrack my steps a little ways and get a closer look at the school and the soccer game
that was unfolding. Passing an old church and what I took to be the school I found myself not in the yard of the school but at the city basketball courts and soccer fields where not one but multiple games where taking place, some well under way while others just starting.
I sat there on the sidelines being content to just watch and observe, especially since I had my bag with my laptop on my back and was afraid of it being jacked once I laid it down. Sitting there watching I finally decided to put my bag down and join in the game. It became a two on two game and needless to say My guy and me dominated (probably because I was a foot taller than everybody lol). The game took about 20 minutes and the whole time I kept a close eye on my bag sitting under the post making sure it wasn't going to be stolen and needless to say it wasn't.
    So you are probably sitting there thinking "okay so what does this have to do with Christianity and it being a spectator sport?" Well I am glad you asked. Like my initial reaction I wonder how many of us as Christians are content with just sitting on the sidelines? In life and in missions many times we look at the worship, or we look at the missionaries and say "man they have an awesome story" or "geez I wish I could have faith like that" and my reply is why can't we? We as Christians seem to be okay with allowing somebody else to reach the world, allowing somebody else to do what God may be calling us to do. Like the bag on my back the hesitancy and willingness to be on the sidelines may stem from a fear of our baggage being revealed to the world around us. We must realize that for us to reach our full potential and achieve what God has for us then we must be willing to trust Him with our baggage and take the chance of it getting revealed. We must lay it down at the foot of the cross taking off what very well could be a hindrance to our calling. Many times when we take off the baggage and get in the game we find that we are more fulfilled and will very rarely regret it. SO my thought and challenge for today is this: Get in the game and cease to be a spectator. God called us to be players in His game plan and we will never be fully fulfilled until we start playing the way He desires us too.

The Reality of Death

 Sometimes there just aren't enough words to describe the heaviness of seeing the body of an infant boy buried and seeing the glistening eyes of the boys father as he tried in vain to hold back the tears that so effortlessly rolled down his cheeks. To see such pain in the eyes of a man and a man who has fought off thieves for a living and who is accustomed to pain, it really makes the whole situation real.
  The day honestly started off really well, minus the re-aggravation of an ankle injury I sustained in march. I had plans to walk up the mountain path once again in order to give a lady at the top a family portrait that I had taken last time I did the hike. My mother had been so kind as to develop it and bring it to me in Ethiopia this past week and I was so excited to be able to present it to her. It was probably the only family portrait she would ever have. After about an hour of hiking up the mountain I arrived at her home to find that she was not there so I slid the pictures (in an envelope of course) under the door and proceeded down the mountain. All in all the hike took around 3 hours and as I was finishing up I ran into my right-hand man at the shop I manage. He looked at me and told me that the night guard who guards the house we work in had lost his less than a year old son the night before and that he had specifically requested for me to come visit him and to attend the funeral. Now this came as some-what of a surprise because I had only met the man a few times and it was always at night so, if I am being honest, I had no idea what he looked like. Faustin (my right hand guy) told me that the guard was also asking for an advanced salary to help pay for the funeral and the costs that went along with it. How could I refuse? I mean the man just lost his son so there was no way I would refuse a request that was so simple but that could mean a world of difference to him.
   So around 2:45 in the afternoon I get dressed in my suit (the first time I have had to wear it) and place on my dress shoes expecting to walk at the most a KM and most of it on the main road so it would be paved. Faustin shows up at 3 and we proceed to the guards house. We run into Gilbert who teaches the men at His Imbaraga to sew and the three of us start trekking. Now I had already hiked once early that morning and was already somewhat tired and sore from that but as we start walking I realize that this was not going to be just some short hike. The road in front of us turns out to be a dirt road with lava rock scattered throughout making it a very uncomfortable walk (especially in dress shoes that are not meant for that kind of terrain). We walk around 2 or 3 KM through dust, dirt, and rock, until we finally arrive at the guards house. The house is located at the very tip-top of the mountain and although it lacks electricity, the view was breathtaking. Looking out over the city of Nundo I could see the main highway as well as all the colored roofs of the different schools, houses, shops, and orphanages and when looking the other way I see that the land below is shaped out like a U with myself standing smack in the bottom center portion of said U. The view itself was worth the hike but I knew that there was an even greater purpose for me being there. We step into the home with the guard leading us and I immediately notice the dirt floor and the only furniture he has in his home is two wooden chairs and two wooden benches. It was incredibly simple but it was his and I could tell by his look that he took pride in the simple living that he had carved out for himself. We sat down and he told us that he was so happy to have us in his home, especially me. I didn't understand why I was so important but come to find out white people are held to such a high status amongst Rwandans that when they see a white man out in the rural area headed to somebody's home that person is then considered to be of a higher status themselves. So by my presence there in the home I was raising the social status of the man. Crazy I know.
  So we are sitting there and I look into the man's eyes and can see the glistening and it would not have taken an expert to tell that he had been crying for a major portion of the day and I wouldn't blame him if he had been. the loss of a child must be one of the hardest things a person can deal with in life. He brings us fantas which I again wonder why would he serve us? He was the one who just lost a child, we should be serving him.
We sit there an talk and discuss his loss and I find out that the man never left his post the night before even when his child was in critical condition. The man received the news of the death and yet still remained to guard the house until his time was up. I ask myself why didn't he leave? why did he not wake up either myself or someone else and tell us he needed to leave or his child was near death? Why did he even show up to work in the first place? I also discover that the infant child could have been saved for a mere 30,000 Rwandan Franks (roughly $50 American). And again I question why he did not come to us for help? We continue to talk for around 15 minutes and he shows me the grave. A simple garden in the side on the side of the mountain; no marker, no cross, just a simple plot in the ground. His family could not afford the gravestone nor did they need one. In there explanation they told me that the child was so young and the gravestone so expensive that it just wasn't feasible. According to him, many bodies laid beneath the soil without any marker at all; that's just how it is here. Death for people in this part of the world is just a fact of life and something they contend with and face every day.
  We prayed with the father and took the descent back down the mountain, the man's face forever etched in the corners of my mind. To know that the child could have been saved, that the man stayed to guard the house even in the midst of such heartbreak, it is a heavy thing to carry and yet it is nothing in comparison to what he must be going through. I realize that the medical care and medicines that we all take for granted, like Tylenol or Ibuprofen, are a rare and life-altering luxury here. To think it would have only taken $50...who knows what that boy would have become or who he would have become. Could he have been the man who discovered the cure for cancer or the politician who changed the fates of millions? There is no way of knowing but there is one thing to take away from this and that is that death is a fact of life and we all face it, whether we are in a rural village in the middle of Rwanda or sitting on our couch watching tv in America. There are many uncertainties in this life but one thing we can be certain of is that we all will die. What will you leave behind you when you do? Will this world be a better place because you were here? Will you have used your God given talents and gifts to further his kingdom? or will you have wasted this precious gift that we call life? We must realize that death is a reality that we all will face, and we must all face this reality.

The Broken Shackle

There are times in life where revelations seem to creep up on us and in those revelations we find clarity. Clarity about the people around us, the circumstances that surround us, and the emotions that penetrate us. These past few weeks God has been granting me revelations and with each reveation given, a chain was broken. Just like we all have revelations so too do we all have chains and shackles that bind us and keep us from being all that God has called us to be, from reaching our full potential. Many of these shackles are placed on us by none other than our own worst enemy: ourselves. We put shackles of self-esteem and looks on ourselves quite often resulting in the abuse of our body through eating disorders, extensive physical exercise, and the pshycilogical issues of never feeling good enough. We place the shackels of past regrets on ourselves never fully allowing ourselves to move on from the mistakes that haunt us and seem to infiltrate every aspect of our lives, even years after the initial incident occured. There the shackles of expectations; expectations of what we should do or who we should be. These particular shackles can be placed on us by ourselves or those around but even when it is other peoples expectations that shackle us, we were still the ones who originally allowed them to be placed there.
  This past month and a half God has been breaking shackle after shackle that I either placed myself or allowed to be placed upon my life. If you have been keeping up with my blogs you will know that the first shackle He broke was the one that skewed my view of Him. I wrote in that blog that when that shackle was broken it was only one of many and it was the beginning of a process that would be painful and emotionally draining and I can now say that statement was 100% correct. It has seemed that God broke a new chain every week but all of those breaks seemed to bring up past hurts and wounds. It would be like a doctor going and cutting open an old scar; it bleeds and it brings about a pain that you thought you were done with and casues you to question the purpose of re-opening the scar in the first place.
 The shackles that have caused the most pain were the ones of self-esteem and the need to be liked by those around me. looking back over my life I can see the instances where I would try to do everything I could to be liked and in the end would still feel alone and deserted. I felt rejected, like I wasnt good enough and was without value. I couldn't understand why I was the way I was and why, no matter how much I gave, or how much I tried, I was still the oddball and the one nobody liked. I felt completly alone and there were times I would cry out to God for him to come and heal my heart and take the pain of rejection and more often than not the relief wouldn't come and I couldn't understand why. Maybe it was because I wasnt looking for him but rather was looking for what He could do. I honeslty don't know the reason but I can say that He had a plan and a reason for it and I am learning to trust that and rely on that truth.
  Two weeks ago I was sitting down on a couch and a song called Freedom by Run Kid Run came on my playlist and as it started playing I broke down....again (I have cried more this past month than in the last four years combined) It talks about God coming and breaking the chains and even after He does, we still hold on to the chains because it is comfortable and what we are use to. I realized that He has had His hand stretched out the entire time, just waiting for me to let go of the chains He has already dis-engaged, and to grab on to Him instead. I went outside and sat on the ground and as I was sitting there praying something happened. I saw myself kneeling in the middle of a desert. As I look around all I can see is sand, desolate, lifeless sand. I look down and see the shackles around my wrists and the chain links coming off of them dissappearing into the sand upon which i kneel. I tug and pull but no matter how hard I struggle I cant seem to break free and with a last ditch effort of frustration and pain, I throw my head up to the sky and find myself screaming, not an angry scream but a scream and cry of desperation. my arms are outstreached and tears begin to roll down my
cheeks. I hang my head down and accept my fate. It seems that I will never be able to break free from the chains that have held me in this dry wasteland of a soul for so long. As I sit there in my despair the clouds open up and an outstretched hand appears. I look at it for just a second and with my head held low and with exahustion and defeat in the motion, I use the last reserve of energy left to place my hand in His. The chains fall off and I collapse into his arms and like a child He carries me. My arms wrap around his neck and my head rests on his chests and I tell Him I am sorry for holding on the the chains rather than holding on to Him. I no longer want to hold on to whats comfortable, what I am use to, but instead I tell Him I want to remain holding on to Him. After a while He comes to a place and slowly sets me down. Strength renews and with weak knees and a near buckle attempt, I place my feet on the ground and stand. I again embrace Him, wrapping my arms around His neck as He wraps His around my waist. He whispers in my ear a simple phrase but one that will forever impact me "never let go" and with that the vision ends. Simple words with an eternal impact. Its been two weeks since the vision and since then I have had a contentness that I lacked before, a joy that was absent prior, and a freedom that I have longed for for years. He has broken the shackles and has taught me to hold on to him ratehr than the chains that He has already broken.
  Through Him we are Loved,Through Him the chains are loosed, Through Him we are FREE

A Week of Crazy

How do I even begin to put into words the craziness that has been my past week. Crazy seems to fit perfectly, although chaotic would be a close second. So much has happened in the past seven days and God has revealed just how much and how radical the change within me has been. It’s been exciting and frightening, loud and explosive, but mostly God ordained and God anointed. So lets do this in an orderly fashion and go a day by day synopsis and I am giving you a fair warning…This blog will not be short but trust me you will want to stay with it ;)

 

Sunday:

On Sunday we had the opportunity and the pleasure of hosting a Visiting Orphans Medical team from California. They came in and we were able to partake in Sunday service with them inside our home and the girls danced and lead worship while the pastor of the California church danced through worship and even got his team involved and got them dancing. It really was a sight to see and was an incredible time of worship. After the worship Peter (who was the translator and the one leading the service) asked for a time of testimony in which I gave the testimony of my garden experience. Now here is the cool thing; the pastor from Cali was to be the speaker and preacher and the message that he spoke? Why it was the story of Mary Magdalene meeting the resurrected Jesus in the garden outside the tomb!!! I give my testimony about my garden experience and the speaker speaks almost the exact same experience that I had. I had not seen the correlation until he brought it out but sat there and thought “wow…it truly is amazing how God works things out”.  

Once the service was over we were able to eat with the team and talk with them before they went on their way. That night two of my new favorite people came back to the house to stay with us for the week. Ben and Cassie are a married couple who live in Nashville singing and playing guitar for a living. They sponsor a kid at a school here in Rwanda and were here to see her and pour into her but during the week they were to stay with us and thank God they did because it would not have been such an awesome week had they not. Now on to Monday

Monday:

Honestly Monday was pretty uneventful other than getting a call from Amanda saying that she was hearing mortar blasts close to her place. This was intriguing so I pull up the news and sure enough the DRC army and the M23 rebels had engaged in fighting along the Rwandan border close to where Amanda was. It was at this point that I decided I needed a plan of escape in case it got bad (overdramatic? More like planned and ready. Hope for the best but expect the worse) I was able to go into the community and play with kids and meet some of the people that I live amongst. One guy who sculpts even used my face to help him sculpt and carve a good size figure. So my face has now been immortalized in a sculpting which is pretty sweet. That evening we all went to the beach at Serena resorts on lake Kivu and shared a meal there. We played volleyball with the locals (in which I played like crud but hey This Is Africa [T.I.A.] so no one really cared lol). It really was a great night and I had such a blast hanging with new friends and just being able to relax.

Tuesday:

Tuesday was also pretty uneventful although it was Tuesday that I started to get sick and thought I might have a parasite. My gut was bubbly (and not the kind of bubbly that makes me wiggle my toes or crinkle my toes) and sharp pain started to hit pretty hard. That night Ben, Cassie, Katie, Moses, and I all went out to eat again at a beautiful spot right on the lake and again shared laughs and made memories that will last a lifetime.

Wednesday:

So Wednesday was the eventful day and was the start of something new and amazing. To start the day I decided to go to Noel Orphanage down the street with Ben and Cassie and once there we met two other Americans who brought the Orphanage brand new basketballs and footballs so of course we had to use those balls to play a game of 5-on-5 basketball. Ben and I were on a team as well as one of the other Americans and two of the Noel guys. The other team was basically all Noel guys and you know what? We won but it was during this game that my gut started acting up again and decided to throw sever pain my way and my shin decided to join in and give me pain as well. But we won so totally worth it.

We went back to the house for lunch and once lunch was done we walked back to Noel and started discussing with some of the guys there. We probably had a group of 10 guys between 17-25 and while it started out as just asking questions it turned into a discussion about the politics of Rwanda and how the power to make their country better rested with them. I was able to encourage them and push them into a mindset that said they could accomplish anything and not to let the words of those around them stop them from achieving their dreams or goals. We talked about hard work, even in the small things, and not giving up even when the odds seemed stacked against them. It really was a beautiful thing and I was so thankful to be able to be used in that way. I learned that one of the guys named Oliver had actually taught himself English by listening to BBC radio and then looking up the words in the dictionary….he is so flipping intelligent it is incredible. I was also able to bring one of the guys over to my house for a cold drink and some time of relaxation which he sorely needed.

During the talk with the guys we started hearing loud booms in the distance and Cassie, who was in Rwanda when fighting broke out last November looked at me and said that’s a bomb. After that we were consistently hearing them go off every 2-3 minutes in rounds of three or four. We even heard the THUD-THUD-THUD of the helicopter gunships firing their cannons into the rebel positions. It really was a surreal experience. This carried on for nearly four hours and when we went into town to eat that night the entire city was covered in a haze and smelt of gunpowder. Like when you shoot fireworks during the fourth of July and that white haze fills the area and it smells like fireworks…it was like that except on a much larger scale.

 

Thursday

Thursday was a decent day. The bombs seemed to stop falling which was nice and I was able to go to Noel in the afternoon and play ball with the guys but it was during one of those games I am pretty sure I either pulled a muscle or hyper extended something within my right bicep which was to cause me a lot of pain. This night we did NOT go out to eat but stayed in and ate at the house. That night Ben, Cassie, Amanda, and I all watched The Office which was great and made me laugh so flipping much

 

Friday

Friday I went to noel again and tried playing ball but that didn’t last long with both my shin and arm shooting pain up my entire right side. I decided to lay down until after lunch. Once lunch was done I grabbed five of the guys from Wednesday’s group and we met at my house. I told them that like Christ had the 12 I have the five; five guys to mentor, teach, learn from, and live life together. We will be meeting every Friday and discussing events in our world, how to better the world around us, and dive into the Word for bible studies. I am so excited to see where God is going to take this. These five are highly intelligent with one of them aspiring to be a doctor who can find the cure for HIV/Aids. I truly believe, if given a chance and the proper schooling, he will be able to accomplish this dream.

That Night Ben, Cassie, Amanda, and I all went up to Imbabazi and played clue and other games and just hung out. It was such a great night and was sooooo much fun. I haven’t laughed like that in a while. It was needed and was good.

Saturday

This morning while waiting to get a moto, Ben and Cassie pulled out the guitar (in the middle of the village road) and started playing and singing worship songs. Needless to say the locals crowded around and were in awe and some even started singing with us. It was such an awesome moment and it was definitely God inspired and God breathed.

It really has been an incredible week and despite the illness, pains, and war going on around me I never once got down, sad, or even upset. The dogs even ate a pair of my shoes and I didn't get mad....trust me that's truly God at work. He is starting to change the way I view things and this week was truly a huge sign of the work He is doing in me. I was able to carry on despite the things and turmoil around me and physically in me. I saw beauty in everything and was able to be free to be me and it was truly amazing. How I love the person He is making me out to be and the change that He is stirring within. So until next time, stay thirsty my friends….thirsty for the Spirit that is ;)

 

Finding The One

So I know this is the most random blog but if you know me then you know that random is what makes me, well, me J I have just been contemplating a lot and thinking through my past and what could be my future and in the process the issue of relationships has continually come up. I was in a coffee house kind of like Starbucks in Kigali on Sunday and as I sat there a song came over the speakers; a song that took me back to the summer I turned 16. It was that summer that I fell in love and in the same year my heart would be broken and the world around me would come crashing down around me. Since then I have dated numerous times, some only lasting a matter of weeks while few others lasted a significantly longer. Each relationship had ups and downs and each ultimately led to heart break. I look back and think about it all and realize that what I longed for in every instance was just to be loved and in every instance my expectations and standards were not met, not saying the girls didn’t try because they were awesome just saying that what I placed on them should never have been there in the first place.

           You see in each of us is a unique desire to be loved and to be able to fully trust someone with everything and when we place that expectation and desire on people, it will ultimately fail because it is only God that can meet that desire and truly exceed the expectations that we have. I see now that I never should have put those girls in those positions and should have never demanded and expected them to be God. Which leads me to the main point of this little blog: why then, if we truly have our expectations met in God, do we (or maybe just I) continue to long for a romantic relationship. Through this journey I have become closer to the One who can truly love me then I ever thought possible, and in the process my desire for romance has seemed to dwindle. I am finding what I always wanted from a girl in Christ and for me its awe-inspiring and eye opening. The Sunday at the coffee shop I sat there thinking all this and in that moment I told Christ that it no longer mattered. I have what I desired this entire time and in Him I find my identity and fulfillment and it’s by Him that I am made whole. We talk about a soul mate and the other half but for me, He is the other half. We say that they make us better but I say He makes me better, He pulls the best out of me and it’s because of Him that I even have the ability to love another person in the first place. I gave the last thing that I held onto up to Him and in doing so was overtaken with a peace that goes beyond the power and description of words. I had a smile plastered on my face for hours and for the first time in a long time, I was completely relaxed. I no longer need the relationship of another because I finally found the One who is the lover of my soul.

Relationship

As I write this I am sitting under an overhang on the porch listening to the rain fall. I look out and see it falling effortlessly down drenching the world around it in, causing the dry dirt and earth to become mud and clay. I sit here watching it fall and smelling the aroma of new rain, new life, to a land that is usually without it during the summer months. I feel the breeze as it sends the slight chill into my bones and can feel the moisture hang in the air as if surrounding me on all sides with its presence. I take in the array of sensations that seem to captivate my emotions and am taken back to yesterday where it was in a garden like I have never seen that I met Him. 

             For awhile now, I have had an outlook on life that probably hasn’t been the healthiest or the most beneficial in regards to my spiritual walk and in my physical and emotional state of being. I come from a household that was once run by dominance and by an alpha male personality (it has since changed and for more on that check out my first entry). Growing up in a household like that one gets a sense that to be in charge meant to have a warrior personality and an iron will that was strong and portrayed the alplha-male hardness. Authority ruled and the strong were the victors in this little game we call life. This is the view I had of God. This is the view I had of Christ. Through certain events in my life I had come to view him, not as a friend, but as a warrior king and dictator who we were to serve because He is God and we are not. This view affected not only my spiritual life but every facet and arena in which I found myself. Christ was not someone I could go to and just conversant with and even saying the name Jesus in a prayer was weird and foreign if not proceeded by “in the name of” Needless to say prayers were not talks but rather were me coming before a king and judge in a throne room, bowing on my knees and hoping to have my request met but not really expecting to. There was no relationship, just domination.

                My physical life was pretty much played out in this way as well. I have this notion that a minister is loving, yes, but also one who people look up to, who is strong and solid during hardship and who is a leader in the sense of a military leader, like that of a general, strong and fearless. This outlook placed within me a hardness and mentality that I was to remain always strong. But inside I knew my weakness, I saw my shortcomings, and I knew that I could not measure up to that model minister and leader, even on my best days. I tried to give myself the mindset of a soldier in battle, ready to fight and bust down doors for the kingdom, but with that came an anger and inner turmoil that I cannot put into words. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t, someone that was not who He intended me to be.  I was angry at myself because I did not measure up to the standards I, myself, had set. I felt like a failure and was incredibly critical of myself and those around me, leading inevitably to feelings of depression and fury. That is until this past weekend.

                I have been reading a book called the shack and in it a man who is caught up in deep sadness over his daughter’s murder is asked by God to go to the site where his loss took place. It was here that God met him and completely changed his world and concept of religion and what it means to be a follower of Christ.  There were certain parts in the book that brought tears to my eyes and as I read on, I found that my entire view of who the Trinity is had become highly skewed. This brings us to Monday. I went with Amanda to Imbagazi (I am certain I have spelled that wrong) and after a 25 minute drive up a dirt, pot-holed, road, we arrived. The place is beautiful and breathtaking. It sits at the top of a mountain 7500ft up and the scene is mesmerizing, none more so than the garden. It looked like something straight out of a movie and as I broke off from the group to explore deeper, I found myself departing from my shoes and letting the grass and dirt seep between my toes. There were magnificent colors, the likes I have never seen together. Blues, yellows, golds, reds, and greens that seemed to both clash and complement each other. I walked along until I came to a place where a memorial stood. A simple grave that held the founder of the orphanage and as I stood there, something in me broke. I sat down and as soon as my butt hit the ground it seemed like a torrent of tears burst forth and the pain of all my past failures came rushing up and out. I sat there weeping, and not just one of those little cries, but an ugly, agonizing cry that is accompanied by the moans and groans of a soul in despair and the shaking of a body that is trying to compose itself. I sat there telling God that I didn’t want to view him as I did, that I wanted to have relationship with him, not just enslavement. I wanted him to walk with me instead of over me, to see him as a friend and father, rather than a leader and dictator. As I sat there pouring my heart out my whole world got turned upside down. I saw Him, Jesus standing by the tree no more than 10 feet in front of me. He stood in the 3 foot gap that lay between the tree and the hedge, with his arm up on the branch and as I looked he came over and sat next to me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close. Not a word was spoken in those first few moments, the only sound being the sound of tears and my cries. I asked him why I hadn’t heard from Him in so long, why I was left to deal with all this pain and heartache by myself and why, when I was giving my life to serve him, did I still feel completely alone. His words were simple and yet soothing “I have been with you the entire time, you just haven’t been looking.” I was shocked and confused. I prayed and read my bible, so how is it that I hadn’t been looking? Turns out I was going through the religious routine and motions without ever really looking for Him. I would ask stuff in my prayers and praise him with words without ever really knowing the true nature of them. I would ask to hear him, not because I wanted communication, but because I wanted direction. I have realized that Jesus isn’t just a warrior or soldier, He is so much more; He is lover, brother, and friend. He doesn’t just want me to spend the devo time with Him but rather wants me to live life with Him, to experience it with him, and to know Him in an intimate and deep way. I finally felt loved and knew that to him I was not a failure or disappointment, I was a treasure.

                SO where does this leave me? I would say that its back to the drawing board for me. When it comes to this relationship thing, I am new. There are some habits that must be broken and some pains and heartaches that must be dealt with and the only way that will happen is to bring them to the surface. I know that the process will not be an easy one nor will it necessarily be pleasant, but it will be worth it. To truly know Him and to know that I am loved and to live freely in that is the greatest thing that I could ask for and it is the one thing I long for the most. It’s time to let go of legalism and religion and time for relationship.